Testimonial piece written for the Drug rehabilitation service 'Change Grow Live' with my personal experience with the new line of treatment for opioid addiction_ 'Buvidol'

My Journey Through Recovery from Heroin and Benzodiazepine addiction with the support of  Nurse Helan Page working for Change Grow Live; Hucknall’s Vine Terrace, Nottinghamshire.

A bit about how I got Into Drug addiction treatment to begin my recovery.

I first entered treatment around the age of twenty three years old. I self-referred into Change Grow Live drug rehabilitation service having been addicted to Heroin and Benzodiazepines with regular Polly drug use for many years- since a teenager. I would abuse any narcotic I could acquire and after losing my nursing career due to drug use and underly mental health issues, exacerbated of course by the drugs but also my inability to seemingly cope with life’s trials and tribulations without a level of sedation and especially after multiple overdoses nearly losing my life, I decided to seek support and treatment as an outpatient with the support of family, friends and my beautiful fiancé. I knew by this point, this wasn’t just me being young and getting those kicks while I could, my appetite for escapism was far more ferocious than that of many of peers. I was using multiple hard substances, often together and a day didn’t pass without me having a bag of some narcotic nestled in my wallet. I couldn’t leave the house without it. I was a mess, lost and unable to navigate life anymore. I was comfortably numb while shutting out the beautiful people I had in my life- shutting out the world. It became thick real quick.

Once I self-admitted into Change Grow Live Drug Recovery service, I was first encouraged to try buprenorphine to kick the junk and keep me stable with the plan to taper down the buprenorphine gradually. The only issue for me and I know many other addicts out there might relate, was that I needed to be in a state of moderate to server withdrawal in order to avoid precipitated withdrawal. The Heroin needed to have left my opioid receptors enough so that once the buprenorphine was introduced, it didn’t kick the dope off my receptors rapidly sending me into a heavy sickness due to buprenorphine’s higher binding affinity than that of the junk. Now, Junk sickness isn’t easy. Being sick for a day is horrifying enough, never mind leaving it until you are in hellish torment. However, I was willing to give it a go. What choice did I have? It was certainly better than snorting and popping street dope, cut with goodness knows what and of unknown strength. Least medication was reliable, safe with a seal of approval if you will and I could work on fixing my broken down life.

My final night using heroin, I snorted all my stash and got dangerously high. My last hit right? Why not? Treatment tomorrow, enjoy tonight. A tale as old as time in the world of addiction. Manny die of such reckless phenomenon but you are far from thinking clearly when on the nod. Needless to say, I paid the piper in no time at all. You always pay the piper somewhere down the line.

So I took my first dose of buprenorphine (Subutex) the next morning after my dangerous, life endangering binge the night prior and I sent myself in to precipitated withdrawal. It was one of the worst feeling iv endured in my life. Triple the intensity of cold turkey and it hits fast- from warm and doped up to full blown withdrawal in 20 minutes or less. There was evidently much dope left, still clinging to my opioid receptor, the buprenorphine knocked it clean off and what followed was shear panic and sickness- an altogether ugly affair. Not a great start to my recovery but I always learnt the hard way. A sure characteristic of somebody dependent on heavy narcotics.

After this self-inflicted nonsense, I requested to try methadone first. CGL understood and In the beginning of my treatment I was prescribed methadone to replace the heroin and the plan being to taper down my daily dose until abstinence. I Eventually managed to taper down my dose of methadone to 20mg per day from 60mg per day and then I made the switch to buprenorphine oral tablets and then taper off. This time, I followed the advise of my drug worker, nursing staff and recovery doctor and the switch to buprenorphine in the end was done without any discomfort I can remember and if it was bad, like junk sickness bad, I would remember, what junky wouldn’t?

Once stable which took a matter of days and even then the transition was smooth, I found buprenorphine to be infinitely more superior in the way of opioid treatment than methadone. I had some success on methadone certainly however the pull; the cravings to use heroin on top of the methadone is still very real and so the risk of relapse increases exponentially- not to mention the risk of overdose is of higher probability. It is common knowledge using dope on top of methadone is possible and for a junky, a likely choice especially at the start of the recovery journey.

 I acknowledge that drug maintenance therapy is far from a fast fix and much holistic support is most certainly required if stability; recovery and abstinence is to be successful. Especially In the beginning of my journey I felt conflicted on this matter of fact. Heroin, like most hard narcotics, is notably extremely physically addicting. When an addict stops for but a few hours, physical and psychic tension exacerbates into a full sickness and the only relief the addict knows is to use the drug that caused the dependency In the first Instance. With this in mind, once I was stable on methadone and latter on buprenorphine, I felt much better that the constant chaos of being an addict just to live any resemblance of a normal life; no finding funds, waiting on drug dealers, connections for hours on end and especially no risk of issues with the justice system. So when stability is reached, one feels revitalised to a point and this feels good especially after the ups and downs of junk addiction. On the overhand, it is easy to neglect the psychological pull of Heroin. When I finally got clean and I almost felt cured so I guess why continue to change and fix something that, to me at that time, was now operating as should. I Was happy with my new lease of life and that is a natural high which in itself can bolster ego and confidence or a false sense of accomplishment. Celebrating too early, that psychological addiction remains and its strong and holding on tight.

Hiding slightly out of my mind’s sight, I had continued to forget and neglect my recovery, pushing it into the back of my mind. That, I think, is a common factor most junk users crave; silence, ignorance and we bury our heads in the sand or pick up the needle or rolled up bank note and aim for oblivion. I have a few times cleaned up my act via tapering off buprenorphine under the Docter’s supervision in the community. So no real physical addiction remained although I had neglected support with mental health services including that offered to me by my support network at Change Grow Live. This was a big mistake but it made sense in my warped mind. So I would go six to eight months, sometimes actually reaching total abstinence from opioids but then to relapse on heroin again within a matter of months. A false sense of confidence seems to linger in the addicted mind. That mindset of telling yourself, “man I have done well, my life’s on the up, why can’t I enjoy a little treat?” I often compared myself to the average drinker. Something both of my parents have been my entire life despite having great professions and managing through life seemingly fine- arguably functional alcoholics at times if one was to calculate their alcohol intake and I doubt that now they wouldn’t argue the fact. I would also spend much time in London and other large cities around the world. I took note that once five o’clock came round, the pubs in soho, Mayfair and Camden would be packed out with businessmen and women; bankers, doctors, lawyers etc drinking multiple pints and retreating to the toilets to indulge in their drug of choice. A junky will sniff out drugs like a water dowser seeks out water. It wasn’t long before I  gave myself a pass, “once won’t hurt”. I picked up an opioid and said to myself “use just that one point”. Before I could recognise my error, Three days of use passed and id be back addicted; Heroin, Coke, and downers and often in one go. When I think back my stomach turns. But what a surprise… Junk isn’t as forgiving as one would like it to be. Soon as you’ve altered your perception, you have no real power over your decision making. You cruise by, making erratic decisions that make absolutely little sense to the sober mind. Safety and respect for your own mortality is absent, the only reminder comes from your loved ones and medical professionals , but I thought I still knew best. “keep necking them beers” was always my comeback if I was pulled up on the matter. Junks my pleasure, wine is yours…. Looking back Where is the sense in that? There wasn’t any.

I would  then refer back into Change Grow Live’s Service and so that hopeless circle of relapse, replace, taper and come off would start over, each time, kindling in intensity and with an ever aging body, each time I relapsed, it grew more difficult to kick. I guess I needed to learn the hard way or perhaps grow up but most certainly a bit of both. Most importantly however, I needed to embrace the support groups ran by varying different agencies and services; Change Grow Live, Narcotics anonymous, Cognitive behavioural therapy and my drug workers, nurses and specialist drug recovery medics. I avoided most which led me back to square one and after so much pain and trauma caused the last time, the relapses were soul crushing. A different approach to my recovery was required if any success was to stick.

To summarise, drug addiction recovery is a multi-faceted, complex issue which requires intense and ongoing holistic treatment that focuses on both the issue of physical addiction, psychological dependency and how to move forward and cope without the use of dope once stable or abstinent. If there is any loose kinks, the whole chain will be weak and eventually snap.

I am thirty three as of this summer, I relapsed on heroin last year around November, after a few months clean off buprenorphine oral tablets and not protecting my new found abstinence by using the resources offered to me by Change Live Grows after care programme. I relapsed which was kind of inevitable since I had walked this same route of treatment or lack thereof many times before each reaching the same conclusion. This route was, for me, a dead end and which resulted in relapse and failure but I chose to walk the same trail over and over again until something clicked.

Whether down to age, maturity, new aspirations and new achievements, I was extremely disappointed and embarrassed with myself which again fuelled more self-medicating. I knew it was about time to change strategies and the team at my recovery centre agreed. They had been in agreements with this a long time if I’m to take a guess and thank goodness they did. I guess waiting for that penny to drop  would have been so frustrating for the health care professionals and correctly so but they continued to stand by me. Some cats need to learn the hard way unfortunately, me being one of them.

 The most commendable and heartwarming factor being, the team at CGL stuck with me and remained until I was completely ready to change. Being on drugs alters the way we think. Junk is an excellent drug if you want to irradicate all pain, remain ignorant all while being highly irrational. One’s aptitude to think from a rational  point of view, a point of view that is certainly correct by all accounts is skewed by the strong arms of that monkey on your back and rationality gets lost in the in haze of drugs. I was in and out the service for years all through the faults of my own. I wanted change but was ignorant and lost.

I self-referred back into service December 19^th 2022, strung out on dope and benzodiazepines. It was a minor relapse, a week tops of using heroin and downers and I was back to square one in no time at all. Thankfully for me, Change Grow Live where there for me in a time of trauma, great pain and need. I was rapidly seen my a drug worker who immediately assessed my issues I had and identified my aspirations for the future- what did I want out of the service. My new worker this time In service was a fantastic, warm and empathetic gentlemen by the name of Francis Quaidoo working for Hucknall’s Vine Terrace CGL service. We reviewed my history with drug use, abuse, addiction and relapsing. We explored the paths I walked before and identified what went wrong. An alternative plan was the best choice of action. Why walk the same path to arrive at the same destination which in my case, was relapse. The answer for me was to try a different route of treatment. I wasn’t circling the block again, I haven’t got that luxury, time moves on and it isn’t waiting for no one. This time needed to be different because this has to be it. I self-referred tired; beat, sick and strung out. My mental health was terrible and my social and sexual interactions where non-existent despite having the most beautiful and loving fiancé who has been with me through everything, waiting for the Josh she knew to return.

My last Referral into CGL; The treatment and support I’m receiving currently.

I knew it had to be different this time around if I was to succeed in eradicating substances from my life and remaining abstinent. I had to acknowledge that this would be a slow and steady recovery and this time integrating different services and treatment into my recovery so that I didn’t  follow the same dead end route back to relapse. No rushing to get “clean”.

Change grow live encouraged me to attend group sessions which focused on mindfulness and coping with life’s trials and tribulations without using drugs. I have since continued this and continue to attend NA meetings and weekly visits to the Buddhist centre. All have been recommended by the team at Change grow live Hucknall. In fact, it was encouraged and so it should be. I even had support finding a job to subsidise my writing which helped build my confidence back to something similar of what I used to enjoy. This advice, this recommendation, although requires huge change in ones life, is absolutely essential if I wanted to succeed this time and I sure do. Complete change in the way I think and go about my life was most certainly essential. Forget falling off the wagon and spiking my blood again. Them times have past and my body wont endure forever as previously mentioned, it will only get worse. Kindling withdrawal symptoms each relapse makes it ever increasingly harder to kick the gear for good. I can no longer stoke that fire and thankyou from the bottom of my heart to all the professionals working for Change Grow Live for guiding me to this realisation with compassion and patients. This was the key, the key to a successful, everlasting abstinence from narcotics

While I have been in treatment at CGL this time round, I have since published a book, working on my trilogy, landed a 26 hour per week contract at a well-respected super market. Most importantly, I haven’t used heroin once, I will testify and honestly report, a notable lack of want and cravings to get high is extremely apparent and has been noted by family and friends and certainly by me. I am more financially aware and better off for it, I can socialise without anxiety, get back to meeting new cats and great people and returning to a thriving social life I once so enjoyed but needed a pill, powder or a shot of dope to have done so in comfort back not so long ago. My life has took a complete U-turn.

I am a far cry away from the guy I was until December 18^th 2022 when I got back in service at Vine Terrace, Hucknall  managed by an inspirational and wise man by the name of Andrew Boot, and sat with my worker, Drug and alcohol recovery specialist Nurses Mrs Helen Page and Mrs Sarah Johnson and an exceptional Dr Worral. It was established rather rapidly that the way I was recovering in the past was futile. I was making no changes just tapering down the oral Subutex, sometimes reducing faster than my scheduled routine in a rush to “get clean, get better” so like I mentioned his time needed to differ.

What Changed regarding treatment and recovery plan and how it is working out.

  So I have achieved what I have mentioned above in less than a year but I certainly had a great support system, a newly found lust for an escape from drugs and the best of the best to guide me through to recovery once and for all- a new treatment, a revised plan and some of the best drug recovery service I have seen during my time as a junky.

I relapsed on Heroin that November in 2022, I picked up a gram of dope, struggling with my depression. I had altered by anti-depressant so I was rather manic and uncomfortable for a good, long month. In that month, things started to get dark. I had no job, I felt glued to the bed and without substances I would have probably never gotten out of bed. I had a particular bad week and manged to score a gram of Heroin I figured I treat myself and listen to music and try and get those endorphins flowing. I wanted relief from being so uncomfortable. I hadn’t a clue who I was anymore. I choose Heroin to help me out until a better solution could be found when I was “well”. I never tried to find those solutions and that gram was enough to cause horrific withdrawals. I was back to square one. During this time my GP had prescribed me an alternative anti-depressant which has since worked wonders. My depression, anxiety and lack of motivation lifted eventually, it even cured my insomnia but by then I was back addicted to dope. At least this time however, I had sought alternative treatment- a different anti-depressants. Weather out of ignorance or dread, I rarely saw my GP which really amounted to me neglecting my issues that where not necessary drug related but maybe a catalyst to my drug use. I was beginning to address underlying issues; why was I so low, where had my energy and zest for life gone? Drugs where a contributing factor for sure but something else was surely going on and that something needed attending to before the treatment I was receiving at CGL would prove effective. I was advised by CGL many times that I must put in the work whatever that work was, to reach a point where recovery would perhaps go more smoothly and continue to be successful in the future- protecting and maintaining my abstinence from narcotic drugs. I needed control, I never had control around gear so why? Why could my friends and peers enjoy a night of escapism with a few beers, call it a night and go about their lives happily without a creeping obsession with the drink or drugs? Maybe because they had there shit In order. They had control and if they didn’t they would show strength and avoid a situation and consider the consequences. Consequences like those comedowns that too me, could only be fixed with a hit of dope.

So this last time I self-referred to Change Grow Live, they completed an initial assessment of my current state and past medical history- general demographics and offered me to see a Doctor and a drug worker within the week. This was absolutely incredible. I didn’t want to spiral to far down the relapse and like many junk addicts know, it only takes days to get back hooked good and proper. I had to use heroin but for a few days until my appointment to stay well but after a plan was decided upon which differed greatly from past treatment, was put into place, two amazingly empathic and forward thinking nurse professionals named Sarah Johnson and Helen Page who at the time where promoting and administering a new line of treatment to junk addicts. The treatment is called Buvidol. Buvidol is a depot implant of Buprenorphine administered via a subcutaneous injection once per month to heroin addicts. Change Grow live were quick to introduce me to this new treatment and gave me the opportunity to begin the process of inducting me onto the medication- I was I told that I might fit the criteria.

So me, Sarah, Helen, the good Doctor Worral and my drug worker Francis immediately began considering if I would fit the criteria for such treatment. Buvidol gives the user an implant containing an amount of buprenorphine, in my case 8mg per day to the user for a month. All I need to do what see the nurse once per month for the shot and the rest of my time I could spend fully stable thus able to work on my psychological issues, mindfulness and other avenues towards successful recovery.

In my personal experience, when Buprenorphine (Subutex) is taken orally, a user most often wakes up in the morning starting to withdraw. This is extremely uncomfortable and it defines your life. Buvidol is consistent. You do not feel sick at any point. One might argue that by the end of the month, you develop very minor symptoms of withdrawal such as sneezing and feeling low but generally is very limited and certainly manageable and your shot will be the next day max. it’s so insignificant it could be placebo- knowing your shot is due. It’s really rather special and unique but the most important thing Is, it works. I forget I have the implant in which has led to some near misses when my next implant was due, I would forget about the appointment. What junky has ever forgot to go get his or her fix? Not many I’d wager. I certainly never did. So Buvidol is, I think, the new frontier of heroin addiction treatment. I will note that I have experienced a slight impact on sex drive but doesn’t junk? It certainly doesn’t impact it the way heroin does- nowhere close. Sex is possible. On H, Sex is completely off the cards. I believe this side effect will alleviate when I begin tapering down my dose. Don’t get me wrong, making love with your loved one is still possible. Just an observation of mine.

During my time on Buvidol I have been able to accomplish all what I have mentioned above in less than a year. This has enabled me to focus on my mental well-being, my resolve, anxiety and depression. I work a manual job to keep fit and I feel better for the exercise, I write the rest of my time which is a hobby as well as for publication and most of all I’m present with my fiancé and family instead of nodding at the dinner table, head down in my lap or dinner.

The Exceptional support from the nurses Helen Page, Sarah Johnson, DR Tom Worral and Andrew Boot- manager of CGL Hucknall.

Due to my need for the injection of Buvidol once per month I have greater interactions and more of them with Nurses Helen Page and Sara Johnson. I see them both more than my drug worker. This is certainly different to my previous journeys through recovery. I have found a greater benefit to these interactions. Please understand this is not to say other members of the team are of lesser importance. That is certainly is not the case. Simply put, I am  checking in with Helan or Sarah once a month every month. You get to know them and they get to know you and where you are at in your recovery. They can visibly see change in a person and that is down to continuity of treatment and care. I think it is extremely beneficial to have continuity especially when treating a, by definition, relapsing disease.

It makes recovery all so more smooth and positive with Helan and Sarahs empathetic approach to nursing is clear in the appointments. I feel at ease as soon as I walk through the door. A warm welcome and interest in their service users is evident which in turn motivates me to then be able to update them next month with any progress or regression. This in turn means something maybe done to assist you and protect your recovery faster and with understanding. Due to sheer amounts of service users, Drug workers are too busy to see everyone so regularly through no fault of their own, so the nurse almost takes on this role which I am forever thankful. Change grow live are undoubtably proud of their excellent, down to earth, warm nursing staff.

I mostly see Helen and Sarah I see from time to time. Helan is a great practitioner, academic and at the same time, realistic. Real and down to earth. Helen listens to what I have to say, advisers me at every opportunity but most important of all is her ongoing support and empathy. I feel able to talk about my recovery without anxiety. I’m tired of letting people down and don’t intend to let Helen or Sarah down. They have finally put me on a fresh path iv not walked before to recovery and so far, things are going better than ever.

I would also like to make note that Helen is extremely generous with her time and is easy to reach if an issue arises which only add more strength to my armour. I cannot praise the team at Change Grow Live enough, this will turn into a thesis. But if you are ready to make a change and get out of the hopeless and damn right agony of drug addiction, I couldn’t recommend Change Grow Live enough.

As for Buvidol. Its is by far the best line of treatment for opioid addiction to date and I feel extremely privileged to have been chosen to receive such novel treatment. I hope funds are available to eventually roll this medication out nationwide so to treat all who are stuck, strung out and risking their lives in order to attempt to live purposeful, comfortable lives in society. Buvidol is the Junky’s cure. The rest will come as soon as your stable and feeling yourself again.

My sincere thankyou to Helen Page, Sarah Johnson for your continued support and to all those who contribute to the overall treatment I receive, you know who you are and me and my family are eternally grateful. May you each prosper and receive good karma in your every endeavour. You are saving and improving lives. Lives that are on the brink. Much respect to Dr Worral and Andrew Boot who have been there for me from the very beginning, through highs and lows. Without these beautiful people, I doubt id be about to write this testimony. To all those lost; struggling, wrestling and hurting through addiction, Change Grow Live is your point of call. There is plenty of better ways to get your kicks. Drug use is rarely, if ever, sustainable.

Kindest Regards and All the Best to the team at Change Grow Live, Vine Terrace, Hucknall, Nottinghamshire.

Joshua N Bullock

Author of ‘The Cruise Vacation From Nurse to Junky to Barber’

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